Well, April of 2022 is here and I am now alone again, in a new location on my own. After 28 years of being with the same woman, and living in a big home I am now in a condominium. The downsizing from a 4500 sq. foot home to a condo of 956 sq ft, wasn’t easy, but, it is done now.

I am sometimes regretful of making the move, even though it is highly logical to do. There was no way I could keep a four bedroom home by myself. The only thing is, in a new state and location as I am now, I know no one around me at all and have no idea what to do, for fun or adventure.

So I watch television and play video games and use my laptop to chat online. It has been one of those things really, hard to understand unless you are living it I guess. I know all move many times in their lives, so the moving is normal, but the hardest thing to do as you age is starting over without the one you loved for so long. Now, I also have to transfer all my medical to the Veteran’s Administration up here in Mass also. So will be appointments and more to go to next. As I await the final part of moving, final deliveries of items I need and bought too. My life is completely different here, and at times extremely lonely also. I am basically a loner actually, but, social interaction is important even to me.

When you reach 66, you begin to feel it and your age starts to show. You slow down, do less and just want peace and quiet it seems. Yet as you do you don’t want to totally isolate yourself or do nothing at all. Keeping active is important to living. I try to participate in events held in the Community Center here just to be around people and have some fun. I walk some if I can if the weather is right and not too cold. As to places to go I have no idea around here, I am sure somewhere there must be events or places for people my age to go to, I just haven’t found any as of yet. The days march on, and the nights come and go and my sleep patterns are messed up. I think of my deceased wife daily, when I wake up and wish she were here with me. Yet, I know the Good Lord took her, so she would suffer no more. Cancer is a nasty disease and it kills without any reprieve for those who have it. I just thank god, I have 28 years with the woman I loved so much.

What do I do next with myself? Well, I need to settle in more where I live in this 55 plus community and set up paying my bills as needed. Certain things need completed for me and I do a little each day it seems. Once all I have bought for my condo gets in place I think it will be setting up a daily routine for myself, next. I will have to set up what to do on a daily basis as to exercise i think, walking and how far. Social events here in The condo community too. Doctor appointments of course will be involved. If iI can find things to do, and people to get along with and make new friends I stand a chance, if not well who knows how long I will last alone, I don’t.

I don’t fear death, or dying really, for as I see it, it is an eternal rest we all will face and it is normal for all of us. If I were to die tomorrow, I doubt anyone would care really, I have lived 66 years now and in the end I have learned we all live our own lives and we all do so differently, why, because no two human beings are the same. Our lives are driven by who we are, nothing more and personal preferences and ideas drive us to how we live it, as well as the experiences we gather along the way. Do I regret any decisions i made in my life that are major for me, no, I did all I could to survive, and to make my life and those around me easier and more comfortable. My biggest fear as I go forward is that I become a burden or bother to others, I don’t want that period. In my case as I see it, I have given to others in service of one kind or another, and I have nothing much left to give now. I can feel my life slowly winding down since my wife passed last August. I can’t change it of course, I can just deal with it daily. As I have said many times before to many people before, one day at a time, one moment at a time is all any of us can do, so I do so, the best way I know how.

So, as I go forward now. I just hope to live a peaceful life and find new friends, hopefully some fun and adventure too. Time shall tell what is really next for me.

March 31st, 2022 has arrived and the third month of 2022 will close at the end of today. For me 2021 and up until now, has been a journey for sure. I spent from last year, March 13th, 2021 till August 10th, 2021 taking care of my wife who passed from cancer. I have dealt wit her passing in the only way I know how by grieving and doing what I had to do to bury her properly, by her wishes on August 20th, 2021. Then, I had to deal with how to get out from under the home we had together and I was very lucky in the fact I had a sister and her man to help me do so. I have thanked them many times over the past 7 months, also for taking me in, while I tried to sell the home and buy a condo here in Massachusetts. It has been a journey and battle to survive it all so far, But the house did finally sell and I did finally close on my condo.

Now I never wanted to be a burden or a bother for my sister and her man, I tried to stay out of their business and mind my own. I thought I did well in doing that, but, it seems not as well as I should have. I have differences in how I view things, then they do of course I am of one generation and they are of another so to say. In the end, no matter what, I thanked them for their support and help numerous times and they did get compensated for my being in their home for so long.

I come from the old school method of relationships, where the man takes care of the bills and his woman and treats her with respect always and spends his time with her. I am not of the woke generation, who do things differently. I am sorry about that, but, as long as my sister is safe and happy, I will be fine with whatever they do.I didn’t ask to be told of the problems in their relationship by my sister, but I always asked the same question why it happens? Sadly, what were meant to be advising conversations between my sister and I due to her complaining, got told by her to her man, and he blew it out of proportion of course and got angry. I tried to resolve it with him, but as my sister says he is german and stubborn and won’t give an inch. So basically my final two weeks in their home, were spent in a dead silence between myself and her man. As I told him, I was working to leave as soon as possible and I left as soon as I had a bed and a place of my own.

I wish the circumstances were different but I can’t change a thing. So I accept it and move on the best I can, as any adult would do. In the end as I have told my sister, I will not return to their home again, not even to visit, she may bring my stuff to me or sell what is left in her garage and home.

As to anything else it will be one day at a time for me, as I learn to live alone once more. One day at a time, one item at a time, one medical problem at a time, or whatever. I can’t push anything I am too old and infirm these days to do so. I suffer from physical ailments like 6 herniated discs in my spine, plus PTSD so, I take it one moment at a time. I have no choice really. I have now outlived my real father, my stepfather, my mother, and now my second wife is the only one who lived longer than I, because I married an older woman. I even have a younger brother who passed many years ago at 30 or so years old. I surprise myself each day I awaken and open my eyes, for I never figured on living past 40 years old. Yet here I am, half the time having a hard time understanding today’s world and even standing up straight. It is a life I hope I have lived well, some will say no to that about me, but, I think I have.

My poems will live on after I am gone, as wil some short stories I did. My children, are grown with children of their own of course and doing ok. I didn’t have much to say about that, my first wife did, it was not my fault, but life went on anyway, didn’t it?

Life is a day by day mystery for all of us, we can only control ourselves, not anyone or anything else. Circumstances we react to, decisions we make are based on what we already know. It is how we decide things we do or say, we base them on what we have been through, and from those experience to handle our day by day actions and reactions to the life we live.

Unlike many before me, and I am sure there are some like me too, I know my time line is running shorter by the day. Some will huff and puff and tell me I will live a long time, they don;t know me, or my conditions well. I survived lung cancer in 2013, I was very lucky then. I fought my deceased wife’s cancer with her for 16 of the 28 years we were together, I served Uncle Sam for 16 straight years too. The wear and tear on my body, my mind and soul is beginning to take it’s toll. I feel it daily, But I am determined to continue on, until I can’t anymore.People want to judge me for things I say, well, one thing about me, I don’t like, liars of all sorts, and I hate people who try to con you, or use you also. I learned a lesson a long time ago from my step-father, lying is dangerous and can be deadly, and to avoid con men and women ,also who can take you. People have a tendency to use you to get what they want, then disappear or dump you. Always remember, to stand on your own and don’t count on anyone.

I have lived, I have loved, I have cried and I have grieved, I have run and i have walked and in the end I always have talked. I write, I try to help others and if I have failed at anything in my life, it may be in the area of communication. For I fail at times to say things properly, or out of context, or I speak truths and it is sometimes not my place to do so. Yet, i know for myself, I know no other way to be me. As I have said before to many in my life as I grow older, I am me, I know not anyone else to be, or any other way to be, I am just me !. Accept me as I am, or leave me be, is all I can say.

At some point the truth will win out and the real story comes out about many things. Many mysteries get solved over time, like who killed JFK, or RFK or MLK Jr. Answers do come out in one way or another, even if Uncle Sam tries to hide facts of all that happened. Not only is it true in these political cases, but also in none ones too, like Marilyn Monroe and others. Not knowing the full story people ger misled and only see what they see and draw limited responses and opinions, and in the end they sometimes react in the wrong way. So, they end up on the wrong side of the coin and get stuck thinking they are always right, when they don’t. It’s the way of mankind, to draw conclusions they should not have, and then they must live with the consequences of what they did.

History has proven what I have said above in more than one way. Sadly, we get fooled into thinking things happened one way, when in fact they happened another and there was a reason for all going the way it did. The way it goes, later, after people make rash decision and react in a bad way, they learn the truth, but it can’t be fixed because of their rashness and anger. By doing so, people who act in such rashness, don’t hurt the person they get angry with, but themselves, for others see it and go I just lost respect for that person for now and evermore.

No man or woman, is perfect, we are all human beings, so before you judge someone else over any issue you should look in the mirror first. For your own flaws come to light, as soon as you make rash decisions and carry them through. Unless you have all the information concerning anyone and any given situation, you should make sure you know all the facts, if you don’t, don’t react.

I say this because recently, things came to a head and in the end the person who pulled the trigger on a given situation shouldn’t have. Yet, in his mind he believes he was right, and he is stubborn, headstrong and too proud to ever admit he is wrong about anything at all, he has to be right and thinks he knows it all. No one knows it all, and sometimes pride, and the inability to compromise, or to get the full truth, hurts not the person you directed the anger at but yourself. I have seen this happen now, not only in a man but also in a woman, and both don’t realize what they did, they just reacted with rash decisions they will regret.

I watched and lived these situations and have in many ways in my life. And I stop and go why the hell did they do that, but I accept it and move on, because in the end you can’t change people or what they think or want to believe. But, when the facts come out after all is said and done, they will feel pretty bad, and be too damn proud to admit they were wrong.

I watched when I was a child rash fights between our parents, and then i watched rash decisions by friends asa teenager. I also saw rash decisions in The service by people who were ranks above me. It happens everywhere in life, and even in my own, rash decisions in who todate, who to be with, what friends to keep and which to get rid of. Over all, I am glad I made many decisions the way I did, but, in few cases I am not.

Sometimes you find the facts later, while you think back on it all and reminisce too. You might be some place or in a situation and your mind flashes back to what you did before, and you finally realize, oops, I screwed up! By then it is far too late, to back up and make it better, it just festers and makes matters worse for all involved and you lose friends, relatives and lovers,

Personally, I do not, worry about whether someone likes me, dislikes what I say or do, especially when the person doing so does not have all the facts of why I did or said what I did. No matter what their reaction is, when they get angry and upset you can’t change the facts, can you? Ever wonder how someone else’s decision making process is done? I know I have, but I work and make decision making different than most. I listen to people who complain, their situation, and give them questions to ask themselves, and make them see the reality of it all. In the end, some make decisions once I do so, to run right back to the person we discussed it about, and tell them, and an explosion starts in relationships that can never be healed. It’s sad when rifts are there. For in fact when both involved are actually working to protect the same person, and one doesn’t see that, well, the rift, or division and anger makes it worse for all involved.

Looks I spent 7 months living with a family member and her partner recently, due to the death of my wife. Now, Let me say this before I say anything else this is not intended to harm anyone in any way, but it will explain the truth of all that happened. They took me in and I will never, hurt or harm them on purpose. What happened is sad because, not everyone understands the way they live together or their relationship and I am one who has seen it up close now. so, I do understand it, doesn’t mean I agree with it all, but it’s not my place to change it or attempt to. This is to explain something, I am sure as hell, as sure as I am sitting where I am today, that I am being talked about to some people as not being grateful, or I didn’t compensate them well enough. Well, that’s crap, and no matter what was said about any situation, I saw or witnessed in their home, I never intended to hurt anyone. People act differently when their partners are away from them, and they talk. So, when I was listening to someone complain about their partner and what they do, and asked a serious question, well, they took that question and turned it into a problem by running back to their partner with it. It got blown out of proportion and turned into an angry mess, that never got resolved. Sadly!

Just so all that may hear of this situation, as I am a far away from it now and people do talk once you are gone, I will clarify something. I compensated the couple that tool me in, very well for the 7 months I lived in their home. The amount of money I gave, adds up and I don’t think it is known to the half that is so angry with me. Seven months, dived into 17,ooo, dollars equals 2,428.57 cents per month. 15, 000, of it in lump sum the rest was in items they sold of mine and me paying for a gas delivery to heat their home in the winter. I know the person who is so angry, doesn’t know those monetary facts. So when, people are told how awful I was to live with, it is a joke really, I did nothing wrong in their home. The only problem was, I responded to a question and discussion one half had about the other with one question, and it was twisted and turned into something it should have never been.

I can’t change the bad feelings, or anger of said person, or what happened. I offered to find a resolution to it, and spoke to the person about doing so, in the end, they refused it, and said I was to mind my own business and they would stay out of mine too. It ended up in a tense situation, where you could cut the tension and stress with a knife for my final two weeks or so there. I am sorry it happen that way, but it did. maybe at some point, the person who is so angry will realize it all. I doubt it really, and if the couple in question is questioning the amount they were compensated, that I stated here, I have receipts for every penny. I can prove it.

Changes happen and soon it seems. Today is a big day for me, there should be a closing of the house in Connecticut, later today. Once that closes, then tomorrow will be the buying phase for my condo. In between it is waiting and calling places for what I need for the condo once it closes, Lowes and Furniture Stores to schedule deliveries. Listing phone calls and bills to pay and what will be needed is not easy. I had a wife with me last time who took care of most of it. This time it will be downsizing, by me because she passed and I am alone now. So, many things are being given away or sold,, I have no place for them. It is one day at a time these days as I have said now for a long time.

I have held on now, since my wife’s passing last August, only by sheer will so far. What will happen once all is done, is a mystery to me, because I will be in a new place, and a new lifestyle. I have not been alone in a place of my own in over 28 years now. It will be a process of setting up what bills to pay and when then setting up my new home and finding things to keep me busy when I finish all the moving and more. I hope I am doing the right thing, in buying myself a condo and all goes as planned. If it does I should be set up within a week at best with all I need.

I have tried to not think of my wife’s passing, as much as I used to, but it never leaves my mind or heart that she is gone. I think of her each morning when I wake up, I miss saying good morning to her, having coffee with her, and planning our day. I even miss taking her to her Doctors and more. The first thing in my mind when my eyes pop open is my deceased wife and a silent prayer for her safety and peace. I pray each day she is resting and well and in no more pain. 16 years she fought her cancer and I helped her, and now she is at rest I pray and her soul is safe.

As to my health well, my body aches daily and I have yet to move into my condo or finish securing it yet. That will be next and starting very shortly, I hope between today, the house sale and funds transfers and then tomorrow the condo closing. Then set up deliveries of what I need to live, a refrigerator, my bedroom furniture, and my living room furniture.

Once I have a bedroom, a place to sleep, I can start moving all my personal belongings to take with me. Then start putting things away in my condo, and setting it all up as needed. The last thing will probably be the television and Verizon. Then, paying off all bills from Connecticut and setting up auto-pay on the condo, like I did my car each month. Then it is stocking the condo with food and setting up my little office in it too, by going to get a desk at Staples. Connecting Internet and television. Until all is on Verizon, I have my phone. Each step will be done as needed as I go along.

The question that remains is this, will I be able to handle living alone once more? I don’t know for sure, but, I have to try. I am entering a 55 plus community, so I hope I will be comfortable and able to do it all myself. Time shall tell for sure. If nothing else, I hope I shall meet new people and find things to do there. Shopping is not far away either as I have seen so far. The Community is set up for people who are elderly like me. I only pray, all goes well and it ends with me doing well for myself, in all ways.

If the Lord wants it this way, then so be it I say. I only hope I can find my way to doing it well and to finding a way to get through it all. Wish me, Luck, folks!

A long time ago, as a child, I was put in an institution by my mother. I was released two years later and brought home. When I went in I made a promise to myself, that nothing like that would happen to me ever again, I kept it. After that, I made a decision I have stuck with now all my life, if I make a promise I will always keep it and I have. If I say I will do something I do it, and that’s it. If I say to you don’t do this, or that, and it is attached to a promise, you better be listening, because I will pull back on what I promised to do too. I have no hesitation in doing so, I made the promise for a reason and nothing will change how I feel about it.

Promises I have kept have been many, some of which I can describe here and some, I can not. I promised my first wife the day I married her, I would grant her a divorce if she asked for one, without complications. I did so 12 years later when she asked me to. I promised to pay for my part of my mother and my dad’s burial also I did so, in full and in cash. I promised my second wife to follow her instructions when she was dying of no presentations, shows, or fancy stuff for her burial, I gave her exactly what she wanted a graveside burial and a headstone. I promised I would join her when I die, and the headstone has my name and birthdate on it too. So, I keep promises when I make them, no matter the cost of doing so. Recently such a promise to a loved one of mine, and I told her if something happens, she will lose out, and I promised her twice. I hope she knows what she is doing now because I don’t have to be at her home to know she did it. I will find out. I always do. Sadly, some do not take me seriously when I do say these things, and in the end, they forget. I am like an elephant when it comes to remembering details of what I say or do, or things that are important in my life, I have memories of my childhood at five years old.

My life is built on promises I made to others actually. To my mother and my Step-father, to my father, and my wives. All I made promises to each of them, I kept just, as I stated them. I made a promise in fifth grade when I was a child, to a Principle too, that if she put me in fifth grade I would pass with flying colors because I had failed originally and was supposed to stay back. I refused and did as I promised. I promised my mother I would continue to learn and grow, I did just that in my life by going back to college at 40 years old and graduating in three honor societies with three awards handed to me. So it may take time for some promises to come to fruition from me, but they do come true if I can control them.

Some say they create their own legacy, some say, some of us don’t. I know for me I haven’t really tried to, yet I may have in some way.

Will my legacy be the friendships of my younger years? Will it be the days of my military life? Will it be my children from my first wife or will it be the love I shared with my second wife? Will it be, the stories I wrote, all short and not one hundred percent done correctly, will it be my poetry? I know not which or how my legacy will live or if it will, yet I know I did all I can so far. I gave all I could as a child, I did the same as a teenager too. My adulthood started early, but the choices I can say were few. I made the ones I could and tried to drive straight through, to an honest open life, no matter what anyone would do. I think I accomplished it in my own way, I may never know, but some will after my dying day.

Some want fame and money, some want power, some try to buy love and respect, and some have no idea what life is, as of yet. For me, each day is just getting by, these days. Just waking up is a treat, one sometimes, I wish did not repeat. These days I wake up in pain and discomfort, from injuries and illnesses, few even know I have. I get up early and find myself alone in a world, of pain and misery even on tv and radio it seems. I can’t change political climates or stop wars, I can’t stop murders and thieving, or scamming and cheating. Crime will rise and people will die, and one day I shall too. I understand how it works and why, and I get it, folks, we are put here on earth to accomplish certain things in life, what they are I know not, nor do you, we are not intended to know, we just must see it all through. And as I have found out now, by seeing so many pass, from this life before me, we have no choice when we come or go, we get recalled by the Lord is all I know.

I gave advice to others and it worked, and at no time did I intentionally hurt anyone I know in my life. My decisions were all based on the best options for all involved, not always in my favor either. I made decisions based on what was best for those around me and to keep others safe and sound always. I never stopped to go, what was best for me, I just did it all, and that is destiny. I survived it this long and I am sure I have a little longer to go on. How long will depend on how the final chapter of my life begins and ends next. I am old now, my body aches, but my mind is still with me for now.

Legacies, are nice to leave behind, so is money you earned for others you know. I may not have either by the time I pass, but at least they will have memories of me that last. They will know, I cared, I shared, I tried to help. They will know I was here after I go. There is no more to say is there, except one thing, once I am gone, I just want one person to smile, and have a fond memory of who I am and was. I want one person to be able to go, he was a decent person and man. That’s all I ask my friend.

The Darkness

William M/ McCurrach

March 19th, 2022

Darkness falls,

Even when the sun shines bright,

I know it is daytime and not really night.

The darkness that falls is not in reality,

It falls inside my mind, inside of me.

The will to carry on each day disappears sometimes,

I have to stop and will it back, into my mind.

Darkness comes when it is least expected,

Like a mountain, it grows and is erected,

Fighting it and climbing it is not easy,

Yet I must continue on, and on,

For as long as I can.

Even if I know, I am a depressed man.

Depression they say is normal for someone who lost a loved one,

The battle must continue, the fight must go on they say.

So I work at it, day after day.

That’s the danger of the darkness I know it is so.

March 19th, 2022, each day passes slowly and it is agonizingly so for me. I miss my wife and I know I have been told many times, she passed let her rest and I do. That doesn’t mean my heart and soul are not with her. They are folks and will be forevermore, I guarantee that.

I am now another day closer to selling the house in Connecticut and buying the condo in Massachusetts here. I am also another day closer to my end I am sure, at least I feel it each day when my eyes awake and my back aches and my left side is numb. I need my CPAP machine to sleep each night, due to my sleep apnea, I suffer from. Bad enough, when you have to sleep with a mask and hose set up on, but add my back problems and well you get the idea.

As life goes, I try to go day by day as I wake up, plan some form of attack on what I must do, and then carry on the best I can. Each day seems harder and harder for me, to keep my will alive and to have something to look forward to. While buying a condo and new furniture and getting it all together at some point here is nice, and having my own place will be nice, the loneliness will get me I am sure. Privacy for all of us as humans is vital I know, we all love it, yet, when you live it by yourself, it is hard to figure out what to do next. I am old now, 66 years old is no spring chicken in today’s world, I have no idea when I shall pass, but I am thinking once alone, it won’t be too much longer.

We live life with others, and we interact because that is how it goes for all human beings. It’s the social aspect of life that keeps us going, when you hit the age I am at you really don’t want to go to taverns, bars, or clubs anymore. Why, because your body aches, your mind can’t take crowds anymore, you begin to reject crowds, loud music, and more.

I will still have to go shopping and get out to find things to do, but, drinking is not one of them I am sure, I have never been a drinker. I have a problem with large crowds, I just feel uncomfortable among many people. So, I will probably end up in my condo most of the time, going to the community center some, and hoping to find people there. I may walk the trails around the lake where I am going too. Yet I know I am not a very social person at my age anymore, I can only hope to find and meet new people in my own age bracket in this 55 plus community. If I don’t, well, I don’t believe I shall last long for this life. I know myself very well, isolation, loneliness, will take me out, especially since my wife’s passing. If I die my life insurance is paid for and my living trust is intact and made out.

I spent my life, trying to help others, and I spent my time with those I loved or friended and who friended me. I tried to connect and make life work, by being there when needed by others. It is what I have done since I was a kid. I explained to someone the other day, I have friends out there i have known for over 50 years, who know me. It is not like I throw friendships away, time and circumstances make me move away, but other than that I still have the same friends, some of them from when I was fourteen years old. Yet, when you are married for 28 years to someone and the last 16 years were fighting her cancer, your friendships go by the way. You concentrate on the partner you love and caring for them, it is what I did.

The part of life we can not control is how long we live and when we die. The Good Lord controls that I say. He puts us in the world and then he decides when we are recalled or have expired our time on the planet. I have always had a belief, since I was young, that, God Creates us and he determines how long we live, and what we must do in life. I believe we do not know why we are on this planet, or what exactly we are to do, God does that for us. Each of us I believe, were born, to complete certain missions in our lives, when we complete them the Good Lord says ok, time to come home. That mission could be to write a book, a poem, help others in some way. It could be almost anything, and we never know what it may be. The unknown is just that unknown for a reason. For the Good Lord’s actions and reasons are just that unknown to all of us. One day, you are here the next you are gone, and it’s just a fact.

For me at 66 years old, I feel the pain in my bones each day and night, I awake in pain daily now, my back and spine messed up. gravity these days affect me, I can feel it pressing me downwards. Mentally I hold my own and sometimes I speed ahead of others, or get confused. But, I can’t change my way of thinking or how my brain works. It’s just there and a part of me.

Emotionally, I was always a stable person, able to emotionally handle anything and willing to stand tall to help others. These days, that is not true anymore, I get emotional and cry over my wife’s passing last August and at times I get emotional when I realize I can’t handle all I used to anymore. As we age we tend to lose full functions and our abilities do disintegrate some. We are not as quick mentally, or able to remember everything as well as before.

I know I am facing my ending soon enough, and I am no fool. I have imposed on my sister and her man now for a long time and it is time to move on as soon as I close, on my condo. I shall do so, and move into a new home. Once I do I will have busy work setting it up to do of course and more for a while. But once it is done, I have no idea what I will do next or how it will go. I just know, I have to do it and get it done as soon as I can, to make life easier on my sister and her man too.

Will I survive it all and still be able to carry on and live for a while, I do not know. I do know I must do so alone once I move and hope is all I have. Onward I must go, and time shall tell me how soon, I get recalled by the Good Lord and what is in store for me next.

For every person out there, there is always a good side that they show publicly to all around them. They smile, they laugh, they talk, and in the end, we all go home and have to be with ourselves at some point. The show we perform daily for public purposes then comes to an end, when our workday is done or business day. We leave the public place and enter our vehicles, and go home where we must live with ourselves. So, in the end, when you lay your head down on a pillow and go to sleep, you have to be at peace, enough to sleep till the next day.

How does one get to peace? How does one feel safe, content, and that they are satisfied, enough they can sleep well each night? The simple answer is never going to sleep angry or upset with someone else you care about. Work it out, so in the end, there is peace between all parties in your life, talk, compromise, and settle. I spent 28 years married to a woman I still love dearly, now, 7 months after she passed from cancer, and we had one rule, never go to bed angry. It worked!

People tend to hide their bad sides when they want to get something or someone to do what they want to be done. OK, I will give you flowers and I will buy you candy, or a car or a house and we can live happily ever after, right? Wrong! Material items don’t work folks, they don’t make relationships work or last. Behaviors do, attention to the other you love does, interaction, communication, loyalty, and building trust works. You can’t get in a relationship, take it for granted, and get away with it, it will come to bite you in the ass at some point and end said relationship for you. There are some basic rules about all relationships, whether they are romantic or not, that need to be understood by many.

The first rule, dating is dating folks, until you both agree to a one-on-one relationship. The second rule, once you are in a committed relationship, is make sure you are all in. Otherwise, it means you decide, both parties to be the only one, the other sees. Commitment is vital. The third rule, compromises, learn that any relationship is a give and take, be prepared to compromise and meet in the middle. If you don’t, the relationship will not work. Fourth, and vital, remember that trust is built day by day, and to get it you have to give it, if you don’t, well, trust will never be there and it won’t work out. Respect for the other person is vital. To get respect, you must give respect.

Now here is a fact few couples remember, your partner you are in a relationship with comes first always. You can’t just do you please, won’t work folks. This circles back to open communication skills, compromise, and trust building. Especially if you are living with someone or married to them in a committed relationship. Humans tend to wonder when one half disappears doing their own thing, and it can cause the big green eye of jealousy to arise. It can also cause doubts, fears, and anxieties, so be careful. Look I am not a relationship expert yet, even I know, undue separation, ignoring your partner for your friends, or disappearing for long periods of time ends relationships. Ask any divorced couple about that one folks, and you will see I am correct.

I had two long-term relationships in my life. The first lasted 12 years, and ended not by my fault, but by the other half, hiding her past and it rising from that ashes. The second was 28 years and ended only because she passed from cancer. There were no secrets on my part, there were no real problems on my part, the truth is, I am not perfect and made my mistakes we all do, but, if I were so bad, my track record says I am not. 12 years and 28 years is a decent run for any relationship or marriage, I believe and many would give their eye teeth to have them. The main reason for them working compromise, and open communication and the one vital thing in all, is listening. Relationships are only hard if you refuse to compromise, listen and communicate openly.

The last item when dealing with relationships, you can’t perform publically in one way and then in private be totally different. You will get caught, and it will blow up on you. Phonies get caught sooner or later, be yourself at all times. This is why con men and women get caught, the act can only be held up for so long before the real person that is you, comes through. In the end folks, relationships, we all want them, but to maintain them, you have to work at them. Always remember that!

I would have never expected to be alive today at 66 years old after the life I have lived. Yet, I am and it is surprising to me! I have survived plenty in my days, from seizures to high blood pressure, diabetes and sleep apnea, and PTSD. I find it really amazing I didn’t die at 40 years old or earlier, but here I still am.

As much as living goes, I am just here these days, I have no real involvement in anyone else’s life anymore, especially since my wife died last August 10th. Her passing from cancer left a void in my heart, my soul, and my life that is so huge, I don’t think anyone can fill it, even if I was looking for someone to do so. I know many have said, let her rest, move on, and more to me, stop posting about her, yet, the void she left is like a massive crater in my life. I miss her company, companionship, knowledge,, caring and so much more. I was a lucky man to have her when she was alive for the 28 years we were together. I only wish each day, when I open my eyes, for her to be peaceful in the afterlife and well cared for. I still love her to this day and will forevermore.

Now, I must face the future alone and I have been lucky enough to have a sister who is helping me. I know as she does she is doing all she can for me, and I appreciate her in all ways. Each day since my wife died has been one problem after another for me and it seems to still be going that way. Will it end and will I be allowed to live peacefully and get what I want and need, I don’t know yet, but I sure as hell am trying.

Look to all of the people who think life is easy and have it well each day, I travel onward trying to just find a place to spend my final days. I have found a place Iw ant to settle in, yet the climate of our economy is interfering in getting there for sure. People want to move at their own pace and their business’s own pace when families’ homes are at stake these days. Selling one home and trying to buy a new one is driving me crazy in more ways than one. I only hope i can survive it all and get it done soon.

As far as myself, well, I am on an emotional roller coaster like never before in my life since my wife passed. The days of ups and downs are crazy and I fall into depression more than anything now. Many a day now, I find myself feeling lost, alone and scared and I was never scared like I am now in my whole 66 years of my life. I am though now, for I know I will have to go on alone and how long I last will depend on how well I handle myself and find things to do.

The world stops for no one folks, doesn’t matter if you lose someone you love, doesn’t matter if there are wars, doesn’t matter if political fights are happening, not really. What matters and few get it is, what you do with yourself and how your survival instincts click in when needed.

Whatever happens to me as I go forward, I just want people to know, I treated all I knew as well as I could. I tried to protect the women in my life, in all ways I could. I did the job Uncle Sam asked me to do and more. I was married twice, one 12 years, one 28 years. I gave it to my children when I had it, and I gave it to my grandchildren when I did too. I even gave to my dead wives’ grandchildren in my life. Let it be known, that no matter what, no one gave me credit for all I did for others. It’s the way of the world when you give and to give, but do yourself a favor and never hold your breath for a thank you from anyone, and don’t expect it. For you shall never receive it, people just ask you to give more is all. The world is built on greed, it’s built on lust, it’s built on selfishness, it’s built on personal preferences, not on what you do, or say. The world is as more than one person in history has said, a cruel and heartless place! Believe it folks, because each day that goes by it gets meaner, harder, more impersonal as you age. Never forget that! People don’t worry about you as you age, they basically let you be, and then get all emotional after you die. Instead of caring before you pass, when they should so you know they care, they wait until you’re gone to show it. Do yourself a favor folks as you go along, when people don’t like what you say, or treat you indifferent, or complain about something you said or didn’t say, remember one thing, people come and they go, and life is too short for pure petty, childish bullshit!